I’m the kind of person who wants to hug the whole world, all the time. I have a million hobbies. Since I was a child, it was put in my head that I could do whatever I wanted, if I wanted to. They didn’t let me go wrong. I had to be the best at absolutely everything. The best grades in the class, the best in Portuguese And maths AND biology and chemistry AND physics…. I didn’t have a single aptitude.
I got into Engineering and I did well. I gave up and got into Journalism. I found it ridiculously easy. I did a postgraduate degree in Psychoanalysis and am on the second in Advanced Psychoanalysis. Before her, I tried a psychology, a marketing, and a fashion post. I was good at all of them. Ah, I also did IT technician, web design and administration. You might think: wow, so you’re a versatile person.
In fact, I’m a lost person. I don’t know what my real passion is. I don’t even know if I have a real crush. I was taught to always want most. When I achieve what I want, it doesn’t taste like achievement because I’ve been conditioned to always want more when I get there.
When I graduated from a technician, I had to do another one, concurrently with college. When I graduated from college, I had to do a post and suddenly, post was not enough and I wanted another degree along with another post… I wanted to read tarot, be an entrepreneur, be a manager of my company but also be an employee. I wanted to plant in the garden at home, travel, write on this blog, write a new book, embroider, sew clothes, open a shop and still enjoy time with my dog.
I wanted to rest, but I also wanted to be able to rest knowing that I know what I like. My analyst even says that what I like is embracing the world. My passion is to embrace the world and if, at some point, I reduce it all to one passion, I won’t be me anymore. Will be? It’s often very stressful to want the whole world, all the time. I don’t make up my mind.
I lose myself. I change my mind all the time like someone changing clothes. One day I want to join a stray animal NGO, the other day I want to talk about finance on Instagram, the other day I want to go back to writing here at Beco Teen… It’s all too confusing.
But isn’t it just you deciding something and committing to it? I wish it were. Because the moment I decide, I’ve conquered it. And when I do, it’s not good anymore. I need to keep going and it eats at my insides. It corrodes every cell in my body. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just live my life, enjoy the stability I gained at a young age and enjoy? Do I really need to have more? Why do I so need to do more?
Why does my heart race every time I get there like it’s the most wrong thing in the world and like I need even more for my achievement to be valid? Why doesn’t achievement feel like achievement and do I need to achieve something else to look like I’m in constant motion?
Why do I want to hug the whole world, all the time?